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Hi, everyone, and welcome back to Happy Hour. 欢迎回来酒馆。Hi, 安澜。

Hi, Lulu. Hi, everyone.

So, can I propose a topic today?

Yeah, go for it.

Let me ask you something. Think about the people you used to be very close with, Um, the friends you talked to every day, the colleagues you had inside jokes with, how many of them are still in your life? And, for ones who aren't, what actually happened?

Well, yeah, to be honest, not many. It's sad to really say, but I just don't really have a great deal of time. For most of them, it was not so much like we stopped liking each other. There was no big fight, no dramatic conversation, no “I'm done with you” text. We just stopped talking slowly, quietly. Until one day, I realized we hadn't spoken in months.

Exactly. And that happened to me as well. There's actually a term for that. It's been trending all over Chinese social media. It's called 沉默断交, so direct translation-silent friendship dissolution. It's how adults just quietly exit relationships without the drama.

Oh, yeah, no arguments, no grand announcements, no social media unfollowing, just fading out.

It's very sad, but it's just a part of adult life, I guess.

Oh, yeah, and the thing is it's not so much about, in my case, it's not so much, like you don't want to talk to them. It's just don't have the time, really. It's hard to start to say.

Yeah, so today, in this episode, we’re, how about we explore this phenomenon? Why do we do this? Is it healthy or is it just a more sophisticated form of avoidance?

Yeah, okay, let's get into it.

Right, let's start with the definition. So what exactly is this 沉默断交? The concept is pretty simple. You just stop initiating contact, you stop sharing updates, you become less available and eventually the relationship just, you know, ends.

Yeah, but it is the key distinction that makes it different from “giving someone the cold shoulder”. It's not about punishing someone. It's about sort of protecting yourself.

Yeah, I guess, this kind of 沉默断交, like you said, it's not the silent treatment or the cold shoulder treatment. It's kind of an active termination, but not so abrupt that leads to relief for both sides, whilst silent treatment is more passive aggressive, that is used as a form of control that causes pain.

Oh, yeah. It's not so much about I'm mad with you, so I'm ignoring you. It's more like this relationship isn't working or it's run its course, and I'm choosing to step away.

Yeah, I'm choosing to fade from your life.

Yeah, so I think it's really about energy, isn't it? Because adult life is exhausting-work, family, responsibilities, there's only so much emotional bandwidth that we actually have.

Oh, I love that word. Emotional bandwidth就是情感带宽，是吧? Yeah, we really only have, see, this really resonates with me. I know it's such a cliche to say I'm so busy, but I literally...I open my eyes every day and there are so many things related to work to do, especially when you're entrepreneurial, you have your own little business. And then that really isn't making an excuse. And I guess, same as people who have kids, they're not making excuses.

Well, the thing is, I think it's a sad thing that eventually some relationships become almost like a chore. They become something that you need to actively manage. And I think that's really the problem. It's these type of relationships, these type of friendships, you actually have to make conscious efforts to kind of maintain contact, to kind of keep the other person interested or stay interested, until you realize you just don't have the time or the energy anymore.

Exactly. So in English, there is a phrase called drifting apart, right? Like we've drifted apart, instead of we've had a fall out.

Yeah, so drifting apart is sort of gradual. It's because neither person is making much of an effort anymore or they can't make an effort anymore. So you kind of drift apart.

And I think, for people to drift apart, a lot of the times, like you said, like adult life is exhausting and it's often because we're not in the same stage of life anymore. Married versus unmarried, having kids versus not having kids, working for a company versus having your own business, it’s just very, you're just different.

Yeah, and I think that's more captured by the expression- grown apart. Because you become a different person. You are a different person, they are a different person. So you have different priorities, different life paths, different values even.

Exactly. Well, that's also a very convenient excuse couples use when they break up. We've grown apart. I think Bill Gates said that.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, sometimes it's actually true.

It is.

Okay. But remember when we were younger, I think we ended relationships or friendships differently.

Yeah. Well, look at it when we were at school, if a friendship ended, there was usually a big scene, an argument, a dramatic ‘we're done’ announcement, blocking each other on social media. And it was definitive. It was irreversible.

Honestly, I think there's something almost more satisfying about it. I'm someone- I don't know about you- I'm someone who always wants like a closure.

Oh yeah. And I really get that. So in that way, this is completely the opposite, because you don't even want that drama. And there's also a recognition that sometimes you can't argue someone into understanding you. So, now, as we grow older, we understand that there's a mismatch of values or perspective and no amount of talking will fix it.

So instead of having arguments or creating a scene or being dramatic like we are done, you just quietly withdraw and save your energy for things and people who probably matter more in your life.

But the question is, is that always a good thing?

Well, actually, I'm gonna say that cliched sentence. It really really depends on the situation. Before we get into that, let me ask you, in English, do you have similar saying apart from like grown apart or like drift apart?

Oh, yeah, you have ghosting, which is more about dating. That's when you suddenly stop all communication with someone without explanation.

就是玩消失。But you know that nowadays this has spilled over from the dating scene into other social arena. For example, the company I was interviewing for ghosted me.

Okay.

So you can use it that way.

Oh yeah, you can use it in any type of situation. Because now it's so much easier to ghost someone. Cause most of our communication is online anyway.

You just delete them, block them, blacklist them.

Yeah. But then again, you also have the slow fade.

Oh, I actually made a video about this. The slow fade is basically like a slow ghosting. So instead of ghosting you like within one day, they will gradually turn down the volume on the relationship until it becomes silent.

Exactly.

By the way, have you ever heard of a really cute expression called Caspering?

So Casper, the friendly ghost.

Yes, so it's just, it’s ghosting. But it's just like friendlier. It's like pulling away from a relationship or friendship in a gentler, less abrupt way than ghosting, often by like sending vague, non committal messages. Ghosting is when you send me a message’ Lulu, up for a drink?’, and you find that I already blocked you. But Caspering is when you send me a message and I reply like in 2 days time. I said, “sorry, I just saw the message. Maybe some other time?”

Yeah. I have to admit sometimes I probably do that as well and I really don't like doing that. I really don't but...

It doesn't make you feel like a nice person.

No, it doesn't, even though they do call it like a friendlier fade.

Yeah, it’s just you become less available, responsive and engaged over time and hoping the other person gets the hint. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes we don't.

No, exactly.

Let's not pretend that we're always the one who has the upper hand.

No.

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文稿校对：缪淑芬 & Jenny

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