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Hi, everyone, and welcome back to Happy Hour. 欢迎回来酒馆。Hi, 安澜。

Hi, Lulu. Hi, everyone.

Here's the interesting thing, psychologists warn that even friendly fades can have a real emotional toll. You know, for humans, for people not understanding stuff can be incredibly torturous. When people don't know why a relationship is stalled, it creates confusion, anxiety.

Yeah. I think it's one thing if the feeling is mutual, then you’ll leave it at that.

Yeah.

But if it's one side, whether it's a relationship or a friendship, if one side is so hot and heavy for lack of a better word, the other person is just slow fading, and then it makes the person who is more engaged in this friendship, wonder.

Well, exactly.

And then they will be wondering, are they just busy? Did I do something wrong?

Yeah. Is it just a phase? So while quiet dissolution might feel kinder to the person who's actually doing it, it can actually be more agonizing to the person who is being faded out.

Exactly. I've been the one who's ghosting other people, but I’ve also been the one who was ghosted. So, yeah. That feeling was like you're never getting the closure.

No.

But why? Why do we avoid direct goodbyes if it's, you know, cutting out someone from your life is as simple as you can just be upfront about it, right?

Well, the simple answer is conflict avoidance. Most people are deeply uncomfortable with difficult conversations. One source puts it bluntly, the slow fade. Well, the thing is most people are deeply uncomfortable with having difficult conversations. And we don't like conflict, so many people believe they're actually being kinder by letting things fizzle out naturally.

They think it's less harsh, right?

Exactly.

It's a gentle let down.

Yeah.

I find myself doing that. I find it very difficult to be really upfront and say that I have really nothing in common with you. I find talking to you a torture.

Well, yeah.

Or sometimes people they were all right, but they became very negative. For instance, I’ve been in that situation where they were all right, but then something happened and they were always so negative. I tried to cheer them up.

Yeah.

But time after time, they've become so draining.

I know! I’ve had friends like that before where every single conversation was about just how bad their work was, how tired they were. And it was like, well, I try to be helpful, I try to be encouraging, but there's only so much I can give.

I think that is basically emotional dumping.

Yeah, it is. And that in itself, I would say does want a conversation, you know, if a friend does that, if they're a good friend, I would actually probably say something.

You'd be upfront about it.

I would be upfront about it. What about you?

I find it very difficult to, because I feel like we're adults.

Yeah.

I don't wanna be seen as someone who's like trying to, I always feel like that's a little bit condescending if I say to you 安澜, “I think you're going through a really vulnerable time psychologically”.

Mhm.

“And I think you're being overly negative. That's affecting me.”

Yeah.

“What you've been doing to me is emotional dumping. Please stop doing”. That's very difficult to do.

It is incredibly difficult to do, but if you actually value the friendship, it's something that you would expect the other person to take on board.

Well, either way, it's a very difficult conversation.

Exactly.

But now we have to ask the question, when is it okay to do that slow fade? And when is it true avoidance?

Well, my take is, it's okay when you've already tried to address the issues and it hasn't worked. Or the relationship is genuinely draining more than it gives, and there is no expectation of repair. Both of you have moved on. What about you?

Yeah, I do agree with you on the thing that, you know, the relationship is just not working.

Yeah.

And it’s… I also have a problem when the relationship becomes very one sided. You know what I mean, like... because I sometimes can be overly generous or courteous in that way.

Yeah.

So if you're trying to trauma dump on me, I probably will not be that person to shut you up. I will take and I’ll have a drink with you when you cry, I’ll probably even give you a shoulder to cry on while secretly cursing you deep down.

Okay.

I know that doesn't make me sound like a good person. But the thing is I don't really do that to people.

No.

I feel like if I don't do that to you, but that's my issue, if I don't do that to you, why do you think it's okay for you to do that to me?

Well, yeah. For me, what I get sometimes annoyed with is when friends say something like “I haven’t heard from you for ages”, but then again, I haven't heard from them for ages either.

Yeah. There's almost like a power struggle, isn't it? Who initiates contact?

Exactly.

Yeah. But who does initiate contact. If you think of it as a power move? I think this relationship or this friendship is done.

Well, yeah.

It has run its course, anyways. Well, I have, because you were talking about when is it okay? When is it okay to do that? And I think when it is true avoidance or like passive aggression.

Mhm.

Well, when you're using silence more as a punishment or a control tactic.

Yeah.

It's more like I'm angry with you. So I am going to intentionally ignore your messages.

Yeah.

So you get my message.

Well, the thing is, for me that just simply doesn't work and that makes the person really annoyed because I’ve been in the situation where people have tried to do that and it's like if you don't wanna talk, then see you later.

Yeah, yeah. And also it's not okay or it’s avoidance when you haven't even tried to communicate.

Yeah.

Or you're just avoiding discomfort at the other person's emotional expense. I’ve been in that type of relationship before where, I swear, the other person ghosting me, the only reason they had was that they didn't want to have that difficult conversation. So they left me hanging, and that was like a romantic relationship, that wasn’t even a friendship.

Yeah.

So they just left, they just disappeared. Like one day, lovey-dovey and the next day disappear for no reason, no dramatic events.

Yeah. That’s horrible.

Yeah, because then you leave me hanging. I was craving closure and this is at my emotional expense and I think that’s a horrible thing to do.

Well, yeah.

That’s a cowardly thing to do as well.

Well, exactly. And this is what a lot of relationship experts suggest that you have either the talk.

Yeah, the talk.

So it's directly respectful conversation. It's the hardest option, but it provides the most clarity;

or the letter. So write in a thoughtful, honest explanation which is gentler than a face-to-face confrontation, but clearer than a slow fade.

Yeah. I think the key is really to be honest with yourself about your motives, if you are trying to end a friendship, a relationship. Are you fading out because it's genuinely the best way to end this relationship. There are no other options.

Mhm.

Or, are you doing it because it's easier for you.

Precisely.

Regardless how it affects the other person you don't care.

Yeah.

Okay. So as we are wrapping up this episode, we have been talking about this沉默断交, the silent dissolution or slow fading, if you will, as a moderate adult response to relationships, friendship that have run their course. It's a way of stepping away without the drama of a formal breakup.

Yeah, so sometimes it's not the kindest option, but it can be useful just to have that honest talk. It's never ever easy, but sometimes it does work.

You know what I wanna say, easier said than done.

Well, exactly.

We can sit here and theorize. But when it actually happens to us, whether we're the one who's doing the fading or we're the one who's being faded on, it's going to be quite a tough emotional journey.

Well, yeah. And I think the key is to be honest with yourself about your motives.

Exactly.

Are you just taking a mature exit from a truly draining relationship? Or are you just avoiding and uncomfortable conversation?

Exactly. So we want to hear from you. Have you been slow faded out of a friendship or have you done the fading yourself? What's the best way to end a relationship that's no longer working?

Let us know in the comment section.

And also put in your request for any further topics you want us to talk about.

So until next time,

We'll see you next time.

Bye.

Bye.

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文稿校对：梅薇薇 & Jenny

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